What were you thinking – The psychology of relationships and sexuality — and why reading this article can cause a physical reaction

You’re reading.

Calm. Civilized. Letters in front of you.

And then – bam.

Your body’s like: “Oh. We’re doing this now?”

Relax. Don’t panic. Don’t make that face.

You’re not summoning anything. You want nothing.

Your brain just ran with it.

Annoying.

I hate that.

I’m currently sitting at Rynok square in Lviv. It’s late afternoon now. I have a cup of completely ruined dark roast coffee in front of me. It’s bad. There are a lot of tourists now. I have my back hunched over my notebook.

Across the table from me, Ethiopian girl. She has smart eyes. She speaks Ukrainian; let’s say she’s brave. She searches for the right words and, how should I say this, they are definitely hiding from her.

She asks, very carefully:

“Why men… react… when only read?”

She makes a gesture. You know this gesture.

I blink. I look at my notebook. Then, back at her.

To be honest, you are already tired of letters.
That is why there is a video on the main page, not paragraphs.
Some of them act strangely: they seem to stop for a minute, and then you look away.

“Okay,” I say. “Short answer or honest answer?”

She smiles.

“Honest.”

Of course.

First: stop pretending like this is just about being borderline horny.

No, seriously.

It’s about how brains run away with it.

I’m a mathematician. I like systems. If something keeps happening, it’s not a vibe, it’s a rule.

Your mind reads text…

Your mind creates a picture…

Your body gets ready… just in case.

That’s it. That’s the whole scam.

I make a dumb little sketch in my notebook. There are arrows everywhere. It looks like trash.

“Think of it like an equation,” I said.

“The input is the words. The output is the feeling. You don’t vote on it.”

She frowned.

“So… man can’t just not do it?”

“Man can stop the actions,” I explain. “But not the initial signal. That’s a different department.”

Why do relationship texts mess you up more than porn?

This is where people get confused. And by \”people\” I mean you. Yes, you.

Explicit stuff? Your brain flags that right away.

“Oh. Sexual content.”

They go right in. Filters on.

But texts about relationships? Desire? Confusion? Longing?

They slide right under the radar.

Now your brain isn’t simulating bodies.

It’s simulating being chosen. Being wanted. Being understood.

From a reward-system perspective?

That’s premium content.

Dopamine goes, “Oh we like this.”

Amygdala goes, “Pay attention.”

Body goes, “Ready.”

You’re just sitting there like, “Why though?”

Yeah. Because of the narrative.

“So it’s not… about sex?”

“It’s about context.”

“That’s worse.”

“Correct.”

Secret chaos of masculinity and reading

Nobody warns men about this.When we read, we should feel calm and relaxed, right? that should be the case!

But for the bodily reactions that happen, our brain starts malfunctioning.

This is not how it’s supposed to go.

But the truth is, the brain is doing what it’s supposed to do.

Simulate and predict and prepare.

If this were to be put mathematically (sorry), the arousal is not the result.

It is a side effect.

This is an extenuating circumstance.

This is an unintentional side effect.

This is an embarrassing side effect, but a side effect nonetheless.

Back to the brain. It is driving me insane, but it is calming.

This is a street musician. He has been, and is, playing the same 3 notes over and over again. Just three notes.

Dumb patterns. Lose pattern and drift focus to backup. Lose backup and drift from focus.

Back to the brain.

It all boils down to predictable reasoning.

Culture. Your body doesn’t wait.

Different cultures, for some, teach stories in a sexually oppressive sense.

But, to the neuro machinery, it is the same. Shockingly.

What changes is how fast the cortex jumps in saying the following.

“NO. WE’RE NORMAL. EVERYTHING IS FINE.”

Some men, in the looking, we can all agree, will try to make a joke. Others will do the opposite, a freeze.

We all know women will then go spiral to some extent.

We have a common signal, a coping strategy, and a signal to work from.

It’s a working definition and almost a 3-part hypothesis we have present to this day that many believe.

1.

“If it happens, it means intent.”

No, it means that the simulation is real and working within the brain.

2.

“Smart men don’t react like that.”

lol. No, it means that the men have an overwhelming sense of empathy.

3.

“You should control it.”

This is the joke of the day, but it needs to be highlighted in its own way. You can control behavior, but not the firing of the neurons.

“Yeah,” I say, “just because you understand doesn’t mean that it uninstalls biology. Understanding does make the panic go away, though.”

She laughs. Almost relieved. The good kind.

I write this down. One for the books.

I don’t know why I bother explaining my situation to people in public cafés.

I prefer calm, monogamous relationships. Predictable systems. Things that have low dramatic elements.

But the thing is that pretending like bodies don’t react, it just makes people worse at handling things.

I would rather say,

“Yeah, this happens.

No, you’re not broken.

Now, act like an adult.”

Also, I guess explaining awkward things in cafés is my brand now.

One random detail that I can’t stop noticing.

The waiter’s tray rattles every time he walks.

See? Attention is a mess.

Short take. Blink, and you’ll miss it.

Your body reacting while reading does not mean a loss of control. It just means the text did its job too well.

Seriously, listen.

If your body answers before your values speak, it doesn’t mean your values are fake. It just means your system is alive.

The real test is not asking why it happened. It’s what you do after you notice. That’s adulthood. Everything else is just noise.

I close my notebook and she thanks me. Her Ukrainian is still searching while my explanations are still too long.

The equation checks out.